


Not in the right state of mind

by AutumnHobbit



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse Warning, DysFUNctional families, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Idk what happened here, Lot of language, batfamily, like really bad angst, oh gosh why did it capitalize fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 16:55:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11108826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnHobbit/pseuds/AutumnHobbit
Summary: The familiar words shoved to the forefront in his mind, screaming with all the pain and hate burning a repetitive pounding in his chest. "You know I don't play by your shitty rules. You think that piece of shit didn't deserve it? You think I'm some sort of freak forprotecting myself?"He could have killed me,his heart screamed.He would have killed me and you would have just let it happen, and then you would sit back and pretend to cry and then go on with your stupid fucking bullshit quest of a life.





	Not in the right state of mind

**Author's Note:**

> this is not a prompt. i don't know what this is. generally i hate needless angst. what can i say. my soul is filled with it.
> 
> Title from Liar by The Arcadian Fire (thanks, Audrey.)

Jason panted as he ran, scrubbing the blood off of his face with his free hand. He was still jittery with adrenaline, still seconds from snapping from the stress of nearly being killed. And the worst was yet to come. He knew he had no chance of getting away fast enough, before----

  
_"Hood!"_ the roar came from behind him, and he flinched, clenching his hand on the grip of his pistol. Bruce had come in just in time to see Jason repeatedly stabbing a thug; he hadn't seen the moments leading up to it, where the _animal_ had dragged a child by her long hair across the room and thrown her against the wall to shut her up when Jason came in, and then thrown an engine part at him before drawing a short, rusty utility knife. The blow had shattered Jason's helmet, and his vision had gone red, both at the treatment of the child and at the knife. But it had been when he approached the crook, and the man blanched as he realized that he had nowhere to go, that he'd collapsed back against the wall and fumbled in terror, and managed to grab hold of an iron bar and swing it clumsily at Jason. It hit him square in the ribs, and that was it.

Jason had him up off the floor, rammed against the wall, the knife was in his hand and he was stabbing and stabbing with a blind rage. The man screamed at first, but it turned to gurgles within moments, before something solid latched onto Jason and bodily hauled him away and practically threw him to the floor with tremendous force. Jason scrambled up on his elbow despite the pain, breathless and panting in exertion, only to see Nightwing standing there, staring down at him with huge eyes and a very white face. Jason blinked, uncomprehending, and Dick kept staring, and by the time Jason almost felt like he could breathe and think again, the rest of the bats were pouring into the room, accompanied by the GCPD, and when he saw the cops rushing to the downed crook, it occurred to him that he should leave, _now_. He shoved himself up to his feet, listing slightly, and limped off as quickly as he could....which wound up being not fast enough.

  
"What the _hell_ was that?" Bruce spun him around and shoved him back against the wall in the alley so quickly that Jason didn't have time to react. The breath left his lungs in one big heave. Bruce didn't seem to notice as he broke Jason's grip on his gun and threw the firearm blindly down the alley with all the impressive force that he'd scared Jason to death with while playing baseball.

  
Heart feeling like it was going to pound out of his ribs, Jason snatched Bruce's wrist in an iron grip and twisted it hard in a move the man himself had taught him, forever ago. Bruce's locked-jaw growl turned to his version of a flinch, and Jason broke his grip and shoved away. "What do you _think_ it was?" He snapped, hatred and panic burning his words. His hands were twitching and they wouldn't stop, he could feel his muscles seizing, his face felt numb and his legs felt wobbly. His vision was darkening at the edges, and he could barely get his breath with how angry he was, how the _fuck_ had this happened and how had he gotten caught, Bruce had seen him like this and he wasn't sure he could run away without dropping dead. As if he should be so lucky.

The familiar words shoved to the forefront in his mind, screaming with all the pain and hate burning a repetitive pounding in his chest. "You know I don't play by your shitty rules. You think that piece of shit didn't deserve it? You think I'm some sort of freak for _protecting myself?"_

  
_He could have killed me,_ his heart screamed. _He would have killed me and you would have just let it happen, and then you would sit back and pretend to cry and then go on with your stupid fucking bullshit quest of a life._

  
Bruce took three long strides forward, and Jason shrank away even though a small, insane part of him was singing at the thought of Bruce hitting him, because then he'd have _proof_ that he wasn't just crazy and misinterpreting Bruce's actions as hatred, he would have confirmation. And he would finally be getting what he deserved. But no sooner had Bruce grabbed him by the collar again and hauled him halfway to his feet than someone rammed into the both of them and there was a rock-solid presence pushing Jason back and Bruce back away from him in the other direction.

  
"Stop it, _right fucking now!"_ Dick screamed, and Jason went tense as a wire because he had only heard the guy sound like that once or twice, before the fights with Bruce that made even twelve-year-old, still a veteran of many an unhealthy relationship Jason run upstairs and _hide_ , because the hatred seemed palpable between those two, which felt so wrong when Bruce was so kind to Jason. He couldn't help but wonder if one day Bruce would hate _him_ that much, too.

  
Well, he certainly had his answer to that question, now.

  
Dick gave both of them a hard shove, and they staggered back a step in tandem. "You." Dick jabbed a finger in Bruce's direction. "Get a fucking grip."

Jason didn't have more than an instant to savor the shocked look on Bruce's face before Dick turned on him. "You. Had better _damn_ well explain what that was. I want to believe you had a good reason, but that was over the line and you know it."

  
"He--" Jason broke off with a wheeze, struggling to breathe between the rib and the facts of this whole mess. "He had a kid. A sex slave if I had to guess."

  
Dick clamped a hand over his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, whispering a curse as Bruce's fist clenched. Jason went on. "He dragged her across the floor by her hair and threw her into the wall hard enough to knock her out. And--" his chest was heaving now with his rage. "And if _she's_ the one who leaves this mess in a body bag, I swear to fuck that we're done, Bruce. I'm _done."_

  
Now _Bruce's_ breath left him all in a rush, and Dick staggered back a step, further towards Bruce. Of course he did. He was always on Bruce's side, no matter how much he said he wasn't. Jason clenched an arm around his ribs, trying to hold himself together. A blur of red and green flew up next to Dick and clung to his side. "The Commissioner is angry. I've...never seen him so angry before," Damian whispered, hushed.

  
Dick glanced down at Damian, then over at Tim, who was very pale as he watched the scene. "It's true," he said, hoarse. Bruce immediately snapped his head towards Jason with a fierce glare.

  
"Oh what the fuck. Are you for real? The guy's a sex trafficker. It's better this way anyway. I will sleep like a baby if he dies. Except, oh wait, actual _babies_ can't sleep around here because people like that animal _fucking exist and you let him!"_ Jason was screaming again. "You're such a damn hypocrite! You lie to yourself and you lie to _all of them---"_ Jason jabbed his finger at the small crowd of Robins huddled in the alley, "---by saying you give a shit about any of these precious innocents, because you don't. Or at least not enough to sully your overinflated sense of self-righteousness!"

  
"You're a hypocrite, Todd!" Damian snapped, shoving back from Dick and stalking forward, yelling up at Jason in defense of his Father, who was stock-still ten feet away, silent as a stone. "You tell me I should fight my instincts when I was _raised with them from birth,_ and then you go and do the _same damn thing_ because you can't be _bothered_ to even _try_ to do better! You lecture Father for having a code, and you have _none_. You hide behind innocents and claim you're doing it for them, and _all of us_ know it's _not_ about them, it's about _you_ and _your insecurities!_ Do you think you'll fill the hole your parents left with bodies!?! Do you think you'll stop the pain of Father hating you with _bullets--!?"_

  
Jason's heartbeat had been steadily increasing throughout Damian's spiel, and now his nearly-black vision went red again. His twitching hand balled into a fist convulsively---shut up shut up _shut_ _up_ \---before it suddenly lashed out and backhanded the child in front of him, hard.

Damian being Damian, of course, he didn't fall over. He barely even moved. His head snapped to the side, and then back to Jason, green eyes huge with shock. Everything was silent, but the crack of the strike echoed in the street.

  
Jason couldn't breathe, and he couldn't lower his arm.

  
Damian drew a hoarse little gulp, hitched and near-silent, and his eyes were suddenly shiny, though they never left Jason's face.

  
And then suddenly time was moving again and in flashes, and Dick had Damian scooped up in his arms and was rubbing his shaking shoulders and screaming at Jason again. Jason couldn't understand a word of it. He just stared bug-eyed, at Damian's tiny shape curled in Dick's arms, black hair messy as he sobbed into Dick's shoulder...and at his own hand, which he still couldn't lower.

  
God, what had he done?

He hadn't meant to. He didn't, he hadn't---

  
" _Fuck_ ," he whispered. And suddenly time had moved again and he was hitting the ground on his side. "I didn't mean, I never, I---"

  
He choked, feeling like he was about to throw up. His whole body heaved, but nothing came up except air and sound. His face was burning and soaking wet, and he didn't know why. He lay there on the pavement and pressed his face to the still-hot asphalt and sobbed.

  
No one came near him.

  
Faintly, above his own agonized gagging wails, he heard a small, shaky voice. "G-Grayson...?"

  
"Yeah, bud." Dick sounded broken, tired.

  
"T-Todd hit me."

  
"Yeah. Yeah he did, baby."

  
"T-Then why is _he_ crying?" The question came out in a bit of a hiccup, but his voice was quickly calming.

  
"Because he didn't mean to, Dames," Dick said, disappointed. "He meant to hit someone else."

  
Jason wept even harder. At this rate, he almost hoped all the jarring from the crying would puncture his lung and put him out of this misery. He didn't care if he went to hell. He'd deserve it.

  
He didn't even hear footsteps or words before a gloved hand was gently touching his shoulder.  He heard a stuttering inhalation.

"...Jay?" The familiar voice said, hesitant, suddenly worried. Suddenly almost devoid of anger.

  
"I fuckin' _hate_ you," Jason choked, not raising his head.

  
Nothing. Jason waited for the hand to pull away.

  
Instead, it moved underneath his shoulder and gently pulled him up off the pavement, pressing him against a solid, broad chest.

  
"I know," Bruce breathed, sounding vaguely sick. The other gloved hand slid into Jason's hair and pushed it back from his forehead. "I'm sorry."

  
Jason buried his face against the dirty, ash-covered armor and wept. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so _sorry,"_ he hyperventilated as he cried.

  
None of them said another word for the rest of the night.

But none of them left, either.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr: autumnhobbit.tumblr.com


End file.
